


Perry the Pomeranian

by cresselia8themoon



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: AU, Awkwardness, Borderline kinky but not full blown nsfw, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Oneshot, Perryshmirtz - Freeform, This entire situation isn't so innocent when it's two humans, embarrassment ensues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 13:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17407985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresselia8themoon/pseuds/cresselia8themoon
Summary: An AU of the episode Got Game? where Perry is human.Heinz has an evil scheme involving dogs, so Perry must infiltrate a pet store by pretending to be a canine.





	Perry the Pomeranian

**Author's Note:**

> Heads up: This whole scenario is a bit less innocent when two people are involved. I’m not really sure what to tag this as to be honest, If you think I should tag something please let me know, because some of this leans a bit towards roleplay. There will be lots of awkwardness and embarrassing situations!

He didn’t get paid enough for this. 

Perry dragged himself into his seat for mission briefing, exhausted from climbing several long flights of stairs. Of course the elevator was broken. And just when he thought his equipment was in good shape that week. 

Major Monogram was already onscreen. He raised an eyebrow, and Perry slowly corrected his posture to make it look like he was paying the utmost attention. 

“There you are, Agent P. Sorry about the stairs, our elevator maintenance guy is on a corporate retreat with our slide-waxing guy,” Major Monogram stated. 

Liar. He didn’t sound sorry.  

“Anyway, our intelligence tells us that Doofenshmirtz has been shopping around for a show dog. We need you to infiltrate the pet store and uncover his evil plan. Carl, send him the mission outfit.” 

“Sending!” Carl exclaimed from offscreen. 

A containment unit rose from the ground, revealing a fuzzy ginger and cream onesie. A headband with floppy ears was attached to the front. 

Perry hated this mission already. 

“Anyway, I'm goin' home early. It's taco night. Ha-ha!” Monogram laughed. 

The screen faded to black. 

Perry folded the onesie, stuffing it beneath his coat so he could smuggle it into the house. 

And to smuggle it into the house, he needed to climb the stairs. 

The super-long, super-exhausting staircase of absolute madness. 

Perry sighed. 

* * *

 

The owner of the My Little Doggies pet store didn’t notice Perry slip in. She didn’t even question why there was an enormous Pomeranian by the front window. 

Perry had snagged a spare dog cushion and taken a spot where he would easily be visible to people coming in. Since most of the customers were only buying supplies for pets they already owned, Perry didn’t need to discourage them from purchasing him. 

He had to consciously resist wrinkling his nose at the idea of being purchased. 

He couldn’t smudge the makeup he’d borrowed from Linda’s kit. It took way too long to smear a passable imitation of a dog nose on his face. 

“Yes, I'm looking for a purebred show dog,” a familiar voice said. 

He must’ve missed Heinz coming in. Perry sat up to make himself more noticeable. This entire mission hinged on making himself appealing enough for Heinz to buy. 

“Well, we have various award-winning breeds to choose from,” the owner replied, gesturing to several dogs in their kennels. 

Heinz glanced over each of them, frowning when none of the canines seemed to meet his criteria. He opened his mouth to ask the owner another question, but paused the moment he saw Perry. 

“Ooh! What about him?” Heinz gasped, grinning madly as he tore across the room to where Perry was sitting. 

Perry kept his face impassive as Heinz’s long fingers stroked underneath his chin. 

Heinz wasn’t rough at all. His fingers were practically dancing across Perry’s skin. 

“He's perfect! Coochie-coochie-coo!” Heinz squealed as he tickled the faux fur on Perry’s chest. “You’re Doctor D's precious little puppy, aren't you?” 

Perry rolled his eyes. 

Heinz really needed to work harder on his evil credibility. 

“Sir, I'm not even sure if that's a dog,” the owner protested. She peered at Perry’s teal hair suspiciously. 

Perry froze. She’d blow his cover if he didn’t do something to make her believe he was a real dog! 

What would a real dog do? 

Perry’s eyes fell on a terrier who was sniffing a chihuahua’s butt. 

New question. What would a real dog do that would leave about seventy percent of his dignity intact? 

An idea finally came to him. 

He rolled onto his back, completely exposing his belly. It was risky to be in such a vulnerable position, but this would aid his goal in the long run. Heinz made a strange noise in the back of his throat, taking the invitation to vigorously rub Perry’s stomach. 

Perry kept a hand on his headband to make sure it stayed in place. Fortunately, Heinz seemed to view this as a cute gesture. 

“He loves belly rubs, and that’s good enough for me,” Heinz told the owner. “I get a big alimony check every month, so money's no object.” 

The owner rubbed her hands in glee. “In that case, he’s ten thousand dollars.” 

Once the transaction was completed, Heinz returned to nuzzling Perry. “Aw, who’s a little cutie? You are, yes you are!” he cooed. 

Perry turned his head away from Heinz so the makeup on his nose didn’t smudge from the face nuzzles he was receiving. 

Heinz broke off the nose-to-nose contact with a wicked grin. “You’re my ticket into the Danville Dog Show. Together, we’ll make them pay for all I’ve suffered.” 

Ah, a backstory scheme and not an eliminate-the-annoyance scheme. 

“Back when I was just a little schtumpel, my father came home with a brand-new spitzenhound puppy that he won in a game of Poke the Goozim With a Stick,” Heinz narrated.  “My father said the dog was like the son he never had...and named him Only Son.” 

Perry winced. Heinz didn’t notice and stroked him absentmindedly. 

“Only Son became an award-winning show dog, bringing my father fame and fortune, while I was forced to be the lawn gnome. You remember that story with my neighbor Kenny?” 

Perry tensed. Heinz was terrible with disguises! Why did today have to be the day Heinz recognized him? 

“ I don't have to go through...okay,” Heinz said. He straightened up, and Perry hesitated, unwilling to follow him off the cushion. He couldn’t scuff up his hands and knees by crawling around like a baby. It would be absolute murder on his back too. 

But at least his previous worry was unfounded. Heinz had already changed the topic. 

“To recap, my entire fragile self-esteem is totally dependent on your performance today at the dog show. You know, no pressure,” Heinz said as he exited the store. Realizing that Perry wasn’t following him, he frowned. “The dog show is that way.” 

“Sir, the city has leash laws,” the owner piped up. She clipped a red leash to Perry’s collar before handing the other end to Heinz. “That’ll be ten dollars.” 

“Extortionist,” Heinz muttered. He tossed a crumpled bill into her hand and stormed off, only to be tugged back by Perry’s refusal to budge. “Time’s a-wastin’, Puffy! You know what? I’m totally calling you that now. Puffy the Pomeranian has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” 

Perry balked. Anyone who chose to name another living being ‘Puffy’ was pure evil. 

A leash was sort of like a trap, right? Heinz had restrained him with more uncomfortable things before. 

Heinz smirked, as if that had been his brilliant plan along. 

Having enough, Perry decided to throw caution to the wind. He stood up and followed Heinz out the store, causing the owner to swoon and faint from the shock. 

“Oh, cool!” Heinz exclaimed. “You can do that bipedal thing like a secret agent! No idea where you learned that, but that gives us a leg up on the competition!” 

Perry allowed Heinz to take the lead, walking behind him at a comfortable pace. 

“So yesterday I was watching Ambivalence,” Heinz said. “It’s this show where the couple has this weird relationship and they’re constantly bickering over the most trivial things. Like who argues over how many chocolate chips you can put into a freshly baked cookie? Does anyone ever count those things? So in the latest episode, Troy was revealed to be an ancient Greek warrior who was flung into the future by Aphrodite and cursed so that he never could hold on to a romantic relationship again. Then again, it was obvious in hindsight. All the guy ever checked out at the library were books on classical mythology.” 

Intrigued, Perry didn’t interrupt him as Heinz explained the subtler bits of foreshadowing. He’d have to check out the show in his spare time. 

* * *

 

“No, no! It’s Heinz Doofenshmirtz!” Heinz snapped. “You know, rhymes with hurts!” 

“Heinz Doofenshultz?” 

“Doof. En. Shmirtz,” Heinz drawled each syllable. 

The attendant at registration raised an eyebrow. “I see,” she finally said. “Heinz Doofenshmidt, entering your bich…”

Perry prayed some random invention would fall from the sky on top of her, but that only worked when the person verbally invoking fate wasn’t expecting it.

“…on frise.”

“Puffy’s a Pomeranian,” Heinz retorted. “Not a Belgian freeze or whatever you just said.” 

“Isn’t he a little bipedal to be a Pomeranian?” the attendant asked.

“Yes, yes he is. So are we in now?” 

“Yeah, fine. You’re in the toy breed section.”  

The attendant quickly handed him a slip, obviously wanting Heinz to stop holding up the line. 

Oblivious to the angry glares he was receiving from the people behind him, Heinz marched off with Perry in tow. 

* * *

 

While the other competitors paraded their obedient dogs around for the judges, Perry watched Heinz for any signs of evildoing. 

“Don't worry about your lack of training and experience, because I have an ace in the hole!” Heinz exclaimed, pulling out a ray gun from his lab coat pocket. “Behold! The Misbehave-inator! It, Does what the name implies. Watch this!”

He zapped a poodle, who took a large chomp out of his handler’s arm. Other dogs quickly followed suit, and soon the arena was filled with screams as dogs filled the arena with holes and demanded subjugation from the humans. 

“Nothing can stop us now!” Heinz cackled. 

Taking that as his cue, Perry wrapped both of his hands around Heinz’s arm and threw him to the ground, forcing him to drop the Misbehave-inator. Perry snatched the device, then sprinted over to a rope that was attached to the upper level of the convention center. 

“Hey, what was all that about?” Heinz demanded, slightly dazed from the force of Perry’s throw. 

Perry ripped off the headband and replaced it with his fedora. 

“Perry the Pomeranian?” 

Rolling his eyes, Perry ripped off the Pomeranian suit, glad to finally be rid of it. Good thing he’d worn his blue collared shirt and brown slacks underneath. 

“Perry the Platypus!” Heinz yelped. He ducked his head, refusing to make eye contact with Perry. A blush spread across his face until his head vaguely resembled a misshapen tomato. “I named you ‘Puffy’...with the whole leash thing...and the cootchie-cootchie-coo stuff too, and...oh man, this isn’t being televised is it? Wait, were you wearing your normal suit under the Pomeranian outfit the entire time? Weren’t you hot with all those layers?” 

Leaving the question unanswered, Perry ascended the rope with the Misbehave-inator in hand. 

“Hey, bring back my Misbehave-inator!” Heinz shrieked. Perry felt the rope tighten as Heinz pursued him. “And you have some explainin’ to do, Mr. I Let My Nemesis Walk Me Around the City on a Leash Because I Have a Complete Disregard for His Evil Reputation!” 

Perry grabbed hold of the landing skid on a low-flying helicopter, smirking as he made his escape with the Misbehave-inator. Then something clamped down on his leg, and Perry quickly held the Misbehave-inator out of Heinz’s evil clutches. 

The device fired yellow beams all over the place as they grappled for control. Finally, Heinz threw himself across Perry’s chest in a last-ditch effort. But the helicopter shifted upwards, throwing Heinz off-balance when he overshot his desired prize. 

Heinz fell through the roof of the My Little Doggies store and landed in a dog kennel. 

Karma had never felt so good before. 

* * *

 

_Many months later..._

“Happy birthday, Perry the Platypus!” Heinz shouted, popping out from behind his couch. Of course, Perry knew he was there since stealth wasn’t Heinz’s strong suit, but he still pretended to be surprised. 

And it wasn’t actually his birthday, but everybody just seemed to pick a random day to celebrate it anyway, so he was used to it. 

Heinz slid a present over to him, unable to stop twitching as Perry carefully unwrapped the bow and opened the box. 

Inside was an exact replica of the Pomeranian suit he’d worn for the Misbehave-inator mission.

Heinz grinned innocently. “What? Ginger and cream really complements your skin tone!” 


End file.
